One recent Sunday laundry session, I had the following conversation with Grandma:
Adam: Hi Grandma.
Grandma: Oh hello, Darling. I hear you are coming to NY.
Adam: Grandma! I wanted to surprise you! Let's do this again. This time, you act surprised.
Grandma: OK.
Adam: Grandma! Guess what? I'm coming to NY for Passover.
Grandma: Oh, that's wonderful dear.
Todah for playing, Grandma!
Why is this cross country trip different from all other cross country trips?
So there I was in First Class, only a few hours after breaking first night matzo with a rabbi and winning some prizes for a few original questions. I ordered a Kosher meal since I figured that would be the best way to avoid bread during my Passover pass over of the country. Noting the Kosher for Passover stickers hermetically sealing my meal, the stewardess asked what more I needed. I told her that four glasses of wine would be appropriate. After I finished, she asked me what more she could do for me:
Adam: Would you like to go double or nothing?
Stewardess: What do you mean?
Adam: Well, I'm supposed to ask you four questions now, but if you'd rather, I'll take another four glasses of wine instead.
Stewardess: I'll bring the wine.
The rest of the cabin was filled with a gay men's volleyball team. They were going to NY to invade Broadway. I turned out to be the least of the stewardess' concerns, as they were a handful. The player next to me also noted my special meal and inquired,
Volleyballer: So what's the deal with Passover?
Adam: We have to forego beer, bread, pasta, and pizza for eight days.
Volleyballer: That stinks! Especially the pizza.
Adam: I know. Those are my staples.
Volleyballer: What is the significance of the dietary rules?
Adam: Well, we eat unleavened bread because we were escaping from Yul Brynner so fast that we could not wait for the bread to rise.
Volleyballer: Anything else?
Adam: We eat bitter herbs to remind us of Charleton Heston's activities with the NRA.
Volleyballer: My people feel the same way.
Adam: OK, my turn. What's the deal with being gay?
Volleyballer: [XXXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX]
Adam: I think I'll just stick to avoiding bread for a week.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
Since it is difficult to get to the Caribbean from California, I took the opportunity of being on the East coast to take a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean. With my eye patch and dagger in place, I prepared to board the ship. However, between the Attack on Iraq and the SARS outbreak, getting aboard ship was more of an ordeal than usual. That also probably explains why I never found Kathy Lee.
When we boarded the ship, we were told that there were ten meals and snacks a day. I took this as a challenge in the same way as when I visited Cave aux Vins in Beaune and I was told that I had 60 minutes to taste 47 wines. With all of that food, it was like eating at Concert Junior's several times a day, only the food--and the company--were not as good, and they did not send me home with leftovers.
The rest of the cruise was a lot of fun also. The shows were great and I liked looking out at the water while working out. I also had a great time on deck since I love boats and the water. Adding to my enjoyment was the fact that there were many girls around the pools. I had not seen that many bikinis since my Bra Try-On Day adventures at Victoria's Secret last summer! All that glitters is not gold, though. It seemed as if most of the girls were 15. I usually do not judge age well, so I asked some people for confirmation. They all agreed with my estimation. Since it was spring break for grade school, and not college, most of the ship was composed of kids and their parents. Wait until I get a hold of that travel agent.
As usual, though, I made the best of my environment. For example, one girl had a series of piercings following her eyebrow and then running down her cheek. A chain was threaded through the rings. My engineering background got the best of me, so I pulled the chain to see what would happen. I heard a toilet flush in the distance! I was admiring another young girl's belly button ring. "What does your Mom think of that?" I inquired. "She's got the same one." I think there's a buffet calling my name somewhere.
Fifteen year old girls have been giving me trouble since... well, since I was 15. I wanted to see who else was on the ship. I did meet a very nice 30 year old woman at an art auction. She was married to a very nice 43 year old guy. So I've got a few years to go.
I met another girl, who turned out to be a college student even though she looked no older than the youngins. She told me that she was cutting school, but writing a paper on women's influences on popular music. It had been a while since I helped college women with their homework, but I suggested that she feature Bonnie Raitt, Grace Slick, Joni Mitchell, Carole King, Aretha Franklin, and a few others. She appreciated the suggestions as some of them were not listed in the book she was copying. She asked me if I knew that Judy Garland was Liza Minnelli's mother as she had just learned this. "Of course," I replied, "and the Tin Man was her father." I couldn't resist.
The cruise crew were a lot of fun also. The wait staff took great care of me at meals, and Captain Fazzy Bear managed not to beach us on any islands. One of my favorite crewmembers was the room steward. He always had a nice greeting for me when he saw me in the hall:
Steward: What can I do for you today, Sir?
Adam: Can you bring me a couple of 15 year old girls?
Steward: Sir?
Adam: And a bag of ice.
Steward: Sir, I'm not sure that I can . . .
Adam: If you can't manage that, then I'll settle for three 10 year olds and some gum.
The crew originated from about 40 countries. The steward's homeland must have been one of the ones whose people do not quite get American humor, or at least my version of it. Nevertheless, he continued to make animals out of towels for me and leave them on my bed awaiting my arrival after the midnight buffet. I saved them and fed them the mints that he left on my pillow. I hope my picture of the menagerie came out well.
Another feature of the ship was a casino. I was not that interested in playing as it was very smoky and crowded, but I was intrigued by the blackjack tournament that they offered. Tournament strategy is pretty different from regular strategy as one needs to take much more risk (to get the the sole top reward) and card counting is much less useful. They gave each of us $1000 with which to play seven hands. The range of bets had to be between $25 and $500 and they told us that we likely needed about $3000 to qualify for the finals. I figured that I needed to bet big and hope to get doubling down and splitting opportunities. That clearly was the strategy that worked for the winners. However, I did not draw good cards and I dropped a grand in three hands. Maybe there was a trivia contest somewhere that I could win.
While I was away, my tennis team was concerned that I would be too out of practice after my return to contribute to the team's success. I assured them that I worked out daily. The gym was fairly well equipped and I managed to perform my normal routine. I also enjoyed the steam room and sauna with the ocean view. Very poetic. "What about warm-up exercises?" my team wondered. I assured them that I passed through two buffets on the way to dinner each night as a warm-up exercise. They were relieved. The team, that is.
After a few days at sea, we stopped at San Juan. I was greatly looking forward to a bioluminescent kayak tour that I purchased, but it got cancelled. Instead, I explored the city while singing America from West Side Story. (This very nicely complemented my renditions of I Feel Pretty in the shower.) I stumbled upon Ponce de Leon's house. Failing to find the Fountain of Youth, as he did, I continued on my sojourn. I ultimately discovered a few forts, where I learned a bit of Spanish history. I was also intrigued by the homes with the satellite dishes as these shacks looked as if they lacked indoor plumbing. In the US, more homes have televisions than telephones, so I guess the Puerto Ricans have similar values.
Next, we visited St. Maarten. I spent quite a bit of time enjoying a band at a beachside bar. The rum smoothie may have helped! I never made it to the French side of the Island.
I visited St. Thomas last. One of the 15 year old girls giggled when she learned that it was one of the Virgin Islands. I giggled too just to support her, but the humor escaped me.
A bunch of hawkers descended upon me after I disembarked. One asked if I would like a three hour cruise. "No way," I replied. "I don't want to be building radios out of coconuts for the next 10 years!" Another guy promised me a tour of the island, a bottle of rum, and airline tickets for a return trip if I would attend a timeshare presentation. To make a long story short, the tour took me to places I would not have seen otherwise, the bottle of rum came in handy, and I sacrificed the airline tickets in exchange for blowing off most of the presentation since the presenter was a loser and not very fond of me either. I had them get me a cab downtown, where I saw a number of sights that were not featured on any of the formal tours. One of these was Camille Pissaro's birthplace, where I learned a bit about one of the founders of French Impressionism. Another win for the Professor.
After I returned to the ship, I learned that both Dave Letterman and Richard Simmons have homes on St. Thomas. I wish I would have known beforehand as I would have liked to have seen how they were getting along.
Toward the end of the trip, I figured I had nothing to lose, so I plopped myself down on a lounge chair and I asked one of the girls if she could help me find the Libido Deck. "Mom!" she screamed, "this man is bothering me." Maybe I would have better luck with another blackjack tournament. Then I approached another young girl:
Adam: Can I ask you a question?
Girl: Sure.
Adam: How old are you?
Girl: Fifteen.
Adam: We have a winner. Thanks for playing!
The ship was huge. With 3500 people on board, every dinner featured a wealth of birthdays and corresponding cakes. One night, the waiters were singing as they presented a cake to me. "I didn't know it was your birthday," said one of the sisters at my table. "Neither did I!" I replied. I think the couple from Staten Island were responsible for the cake as they were being very cagey when I asked them. They were probably celebrating escaping the advances of gay Gus the bisexual dentist, who visited us for two dinners. He seemed to be trying to join their team, but they were not interested.
After my return to the US, I had a few hours in Miami before my flights home so I decided to take a tour of the Everglades. I had a fun time zipping around in one of those fan boats. I also had a picture taken of me with an alligator. I am looking forward to giving it--the picture, that is--to Grandma so she can hang it in her gallery of pictures of things that I do that scare her. These activities include sky diving, scuba diving, trapeze flying, eating sushi, and crossing the street.
Flying home, I was going through food withdrawal during my connection through Dallas since for the first time in a week it had been more than 20 minutes since I had eaten. I visited the galley to see if they had any more of the mixed nuts that they served previously. "Would you like your nuts warmed?" the stewardess asked. "Who wouldn't?" I replied. Grandpa loved that story when I told him and I can only imagine the look on Grandma's face when he told her.
Since it appears that I still have some free time before employment consumes my time, I am planning my next vacation. It's really a great time to travel, but I'm having a hard time finding the free space in my schedule with all of the tennis tournaments and other events. I'm always looking for travel partners. Who wants to go? Alaska, Costa Rica, Hawaii, and Mexico are near the top of the list.
Until next time,
Adam
By the way, whenever the duration between these chapters exceeds a few months, a number of people ask me when they can look forward to receiving the next one. I appreciate the compliments, but I imagine that there are more than a few people who would rather not have to immediately hit the Delete button when one of these missives appears in their Inbox. If you find yourself in the latter group, please do not hesitate to tell me as I am interested solely in entertaining the people who enjoy them and possibly scoring a few dollars for charity as a result.
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