Chapter 6: Part Deux, Homage to NY
August 1995

Our house,
Is a very, very, very fine house.
--GN

I was looking forward to helping Habitat for Humanity build a house in East Palo Alto. The instructions said to bring a hammer. Since I do not own one, I offered to bring a hard hat and a clipboard and be a supervisor! Unfortunately, H for H mysteriously did not have any work for us to do so I decided to go to NY and build up my family's spirits instead.

They're creepy and they're spooky,
Mysterious and kooky.
They're altogether hooky.
The Adamms Family.
--?

While I'm on the subject of Adam's family values, I should mention that Scott Adams recently left Pacific Bell. Whatever the real reasons were for his departure, clearly we all move up one on the Court Jester roster. (I cherish this even more than parking in the Quality Employee of the Month spot.) I know he appreciated the rivalry my presence provided, and I treasure the Best Wishes he inscribed in my copy of Shave the Whales.


There are places I'll remember,
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever not for better,
Some have gone, and some remain.
--JWOL

Grandma's House, Grandma's House, Bay Colony, Meadow School, Baldwin Harbor Junior High School, Baldwin High School, Baldwin Park, Nunley's, Molloy College, Chinatown Cafe, Hamburger Coach, Jones Beach, USTA National Tennis Center, Terrace on the Park, Shea Stadium, Hall of Science, Homestead School . . .


New York, New York,
It's a hell of a town.
The Bronx is up,
And the Battery's down.
--IB

After I landed at La Guardia, Mom and Dad whisked me off to the Bronx to visit Grandma in her home away from home. I ran in and surprised her and I could tell that she was almost as happy to see me as I was to see her. We had a great time exchanging dirty jokes, and giving each other numbers. Grandma's still got it! While I was there, the phone was ringing off the hook with calls from the Good Sister . . . the Little Brother too . . . a Millionaire . . . and his Wife. The Professor lives on the other side of the family and we don't have a Mary Anne so I didn't hear from them at this time.

Even though Mom worked very hard to get Grandma into this fine establishment, the home was kicking Grandma out because she was too healthy for them. Is this cognitive dissonance or military intelligence? After we were satisfied that all was set for Grandma's transfer the following day, we went to the other side's Grands for lunch.

At the Brody's, we feasted on deli sandwiches, and I reminded Grandma how impressed I always was with the magnetic (?) field she has around her house that somehow negates the effects of any cholesterol consumed within. If I could get her to sell her secret to Burger King, maybe she would not mind me eating there. Surprisingly, I also had to remind her about my dietary laws that prevent me from eating tongue: I will not eat anything that has been in a cow's mouth. I suggested that Grandma give the tongue to the Lady from Haiti who helps take care of Grandpa. I was sure I remembered some uses for tongue from my visit to the voodoo museum in New Orleans. Sure enough, by the end of the week, Josette happily obliged.

I spent many hours over several days playing with the Grands. These visits were even more fun than being beaten in shuffleboard or miniature golf by Grandpa! I started teaching Grandpa about mousing around the World Wide Web and he amazed me with how much he already knew. Then I remembered he does not watch Letterman or the Simpsons, so he has a lot of free time for his studies.

On one occasion, when Grandma was out of range, I asked Grandpa if the Haiti Lady's sole purpose was to keep Grandma out of his hair. With the wisdom of the ages, the diplomacy of Franklin, the shrewdness of Abraham (Lincoln), the wit of David (Letterman), and a twinkle in his eyes, Grandpa silently took the Fifth.

I took Grandma shopping after she finished doing Josette's work, and I showed her how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe by putting it up to my ear and listening for the ocean. Grandma is always smart enough and considerate enough to disguise whether she really believes what I tell her, or whether she is merely politely humoring me. (She gives me similar credit for not telling her when I do quasi-dangerous things like skydiving, hang gliding, or crossing the street until after I have safely returned.) While I was at the store, I almost scored some Otter Pops for Grandpa, but Grandma caught me, so I had to return them to the freezer.

Later in the afternoon, I noticed Grandpa swallowing a handful of pills. "Good drugs, Grandpa," I asked. "Only the best!" he replied. I promised him that the mushrooms on his pizza were hallucinogenic and I wondered whether this was the reason I had never seen him eat pizza before.


I can't give it away on Seventh Avenue.
--MJ

From Grandma's I went to Paul's to do what we always do when I hit NY. Unfortunately, we didn't have the opportunity to get some Chinese food, so Paul nuked some lasagna. I asked Paul if he does much cooking. "Does this count," he replied. I told him it didn't, but I gave him another opportunity to score. After some discussion, I wound up giving him partial credit for adding milk to cereal, especially since he no longer needs the measuring cup, apron, or safety goggles! I was disappointed I didn't get any heart-shaped waffles this visit, but I was reluctant to challenge Paul's culinary abilities much further, so I let it slide.

After Deb got home from playing doctor, she proudly revealed that her medical journals were almost as organized as Paul's comic books. However, she admitted that she does not read them cover-to-cover like Paul goes through his readings. This is excusable, though. She has her hands full taking care of a baby, and Jessica is still too young to help much! To her credit, I am sure she has similar retention and comprehension skills as Paul does despite the lack of Mrs. Glaser in the second grade.

If I can make it there,
I can make it anywhere.
It's up to you New York, New York.
--FE/JK

I went to the US Open this year. It had been ten years since I had last been there, but my shoulder was feeling a lot better and I felt I had a chance to do well this time. Sure enough, I pulled it out. I caught a ball that left the court! Then, with hundreds of eyes, and possibly some television cameras, watching my every move, I threw it back on the court. That may not sound like much, but it is a higher level of participation than I ever managed during any of my prior visits to Forest Hills, Flushing Meadow, Wimbledon, or Rolland Garros. I was so proud of my feat that on my way out, I snuck into the US Open Club and had my pictures taken with the trophies!

NY, just like I pictured it. Skyscrapers and everything.
--SW

After the Open, I caught up with Gary at his television studios in the City. After giving him the dollar I owed Brett, I had a great time in the control rooms doing wipes, irises, fading to black, and adding my name to the credits of several of the more popular talk and news shows. We bought each other drinks and wings, although due to some home court advantage thing, he did most of the buying. I'll have to compensate for that the next time he ventures out West.

We also had a great time telling NL and Chumley stories, and reminiscing about car washes, concerts, and a certain New Year's party in Boston. I told him that we are already planning the end-of-millennium New Year's party for Martha's Vineyard and that I will add him to the guest list. We have less than five years to go, and this time the attendance may go into the triple digits, so we have to start early.

Talk about our previous New Year's party reminded Gary that it served as the premiere for the director's cut of my first haircut movie. He told me that this film inspired him to videotape his son's first haircut and that his son cried as I did. Some things never change, and we both still cry nearly every visit to the barber.

Before the night was out, we resumed discussion about the business we are planning to start. We've got most of the executive positions filled, but we are still trying to find someone to park the cars. As we drove to Pennsylvania Station, we planned a few strategies for Jack's wedding.

New York's got the ways and means.
-- RH

I have been struggling to fill several of the cabinet positions for the my tennis club's Board of Directors for next year, so I asked Mom if she would serve as my Vice President. To my amazement, she called my bluff and agreed. I'm not sure whether she was just trying to cause trouble, or whether she was attracted by that heartbeat-away-from-the-President thing! I'm still running the cost-benefit analyses to evaluate whether her service is worth the expense of monthly airline tickets. Even if I can get her to throw in the cleaning of my bathroom and kitchen, it's going to be close.

At some point during the week, I told Mom that Audrea suddenly wants me to preface her name with the title of Aunt. This feels very awkward after 15 years of "Audrea" being sufficient. In the interest of family harmony, Mom suggested that I yield to my Auntie, but that I should get her to call me Master in return as my colleagues at work do. Mommy does not often venture into the Land of Humor, where I spend most of my time, and I was very honored she devoted one of her quarterly expeditions to visit me.

I'm in a New York state of mind.
--BJ

Dad and I went for a long walk on Jones Beach. It had been many years since we had done that and we had a great time. Well, at least I had a great time. Dad kept mumbling something about it not being as good as Baywatch. Never having seen the show, I was not quite sure what he meant, but I think it had something to do with the shapes of the waves.
This town's full of money grabbers,
Go ahead, bite the Big Apple,
Don't mind the maggots!
--MJ

One day, I took Mom to the Price Club and what I saw frightened me. Women shoppers were doing serious battle over free samples of crackers, coffee, and other goodies. I was too shocked and intimidated to compete with them, and this fear should greatly impress anyone who has ever done a Price/Costco run with me. I used to enjoy watching the women wrestle over sweaters in Filene's Basement in Boston, but this was just too much.

New York New York. The town so nice, they had to name it twice
--DL?

On my last day in NY, I snooped around Mom's garden to see what was growing. Dad told me that Mom had big tomatoes, but my meager imagination never could have produced what was before my eyes. Unfortunately, all the space tomatoes were gone, but some of the ones she had looked like award winners. She also had some tremendous zucchinis and I started wondering what she was using for fertilizer.

As I was getting ready to go to the airport for my return to the land of sunshine and sanity, the President of the Cousin's Club, The Original Series, called. We compared notes about our respective administrations. Noting that I did not have enough time to meet with her in person this trip, she offered some advice regarding monetary policy. She suggested that I ask the Central Bank, Mom and Dad, for some funding to make a subsequent visit. I told her that money was not the problem, time was, but I thanked her for her input and I promised her my attendance at a mini-summit before the New Hampshire primary.

Visits to NY are always very stressful and this trip takes the title. Not only are M*A*S*H and Letterman on TV at the same time, but I did not get any Chinese food the entire trip. At least I managed to bring back some bagels this time.

My flight back to California was delayed for an hour due to a computer error. For some reason, we still arrived ahead of schedule. I think this may have had something to do with Special Relativity, but all I could remember from my studies in that area 15 years ago was something about trapping pole vaulters in barns.