Viewing the World Through Humor Tinted Corneas

Untitled #4

February 2010

Compass card is spinning, helm is swinging to and fro
Oh, where is the dog star, oh, where's the moon.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.

Somedays the gales are howling, sometimes the sea is still as glass.
Oh, raise the main sail, oh, lash the mast.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.

There's a sea bird cryin' and there's a ghost wind blowing
And it's calling you, to that misty swirling sea.
Till the chains of your dreams are broken,
No place in this world you can be.
--JPB, 1980

Several weeks after my birthday fundraiser I went to Great America. I had not been in many years and I enjoyed driving the Mystery Machine, posing with my South Park friends, and seeing the new scary attractions. I used to add up the time I spent in zero-g and enter it on my astronaut application updates, but those days are long behind me as the Astronaut Office is no longer selecting new astronauts. :( Keeping the theme, I caught a ride with the Blue Angels, and saw some cool space exhibits at the Hiller Aviation Museum a few weeks later.

I said Hey I’ll be gone today
but I’ll be back all around the way
--MF, 2009

As usual, I’ve been attending many concerts. I met some interesting people at the Power to the Peaceful and Hardly Strictly Bluegrass concerts, both in Golden Gate Park. These were rapidly followed by Neil Young’s annual benefit featuring Sheryl Crow and Jimmy Buffett. Concerts with George Winston, Willie Nelson, and others followed. After the series, I needed to take a break from music to prepare for Halloween.

It’s on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way. So we must dig and delve unceasingly.
--COM, 1840-1926

Mom hadn’t seen me for Thanksgiving for a few years, so she lured me to Florida with the promise of seeing my niece. I hadn’t seen MFGN in over a year and she was now 20% older. I am her comedy coach and I was looking forward to teaching her some new material.

On the way to Florida, I stopped in NY to see family and verify that I could not tell the difference between MoMA’s copy of The Starry Night and the original I have at home. (I prepared for MoMA by fixing a healthy breakfast, loaded with anti-oxidants.) While there, I also saw a special Monet exhibit and other museum highlights.

The next day I visited Thomas Edison’s West Orange laboratory and home. I visited his Fort Myers home and laboratory a few years ago, and his northern versions were at least as impressive. He, of course, was a brilliant inventor and worked on some difficult engineering challenges.

After a few days up north, I flew down to Florida, where I went SCUBA diving and took Dad for a walk on the beach. People like seeing pictures of Dad and me on the beach as they enjoy seeing how he’s grown over the years.

A few days later, MFGN arrived and I enjoyed teaching her how to be funny and how to be a scientist. As a reward for my efforts, she picked strawberries for me. I really enjoyed the Daiquiris I made with them!

After I returned home, I continued my Mega Museum Marathon by visiting the Star Trek exhibit at The Tech Museum of Innovation. I enjoyed taking my picture on the set of City on the Edge of Forever, which won the 1968 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation. However, I didn’t think the exhibit was as good as similar ones I saw in Vegas or the National Air and Space Museum. I followed this with a Christmas expedition to the new Contemporary Jewish Museum and a trip to SFMoMA, which I had not visited in years.

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call,
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall.
--JB, 1974

I’ve often noted that like an infection, I’m opportunistic. When I learned that my company had a shutdown at the end of the year, and my boss was forbidden to pay me during this time, I made plans to join my travel team for back-to-back cruises in the Caribbean. Personally, I considered them “front-to-front,” but then again, I’m more ambitious and positive than most.

I took a redeye to Fort Lauderdale and I marveled at the fact that I was collaborating with my Beijing colleague in real-time thanks to the onboard WiFi. I was also intrigued that I was able to watch live television during my flight although I was not sure that the news report saying how dangerous flying was during the holiday season added to my enjoyment of the flight.

I brought a fistful of cash with me as I planned to take an expensive cab ride to my Miami hotel. However, upon arrival in Florida I reconsidered. Why should I rush to the hotel, where I would just sit in the lobby until they got my room ready later in the afternoon? For once maybe I could just slow down a bit. Long story short: I took a shared ride to the hotel, where they gave me a courtesy room to shower and I spent the saved money elsewhere.

I saw you
With a ticket stub in your hand
Under the light
Middle of the night
Couldn’t get it wrong
So I had to
--MS, AGW, TM, & TA, 1988

At breakfast, my new concert app told me of a nearby PHISH concert that night and I wondered if I could attend. I made friends with a bunch of people in the hotel who were going to the show and they were looking forward to meeting me there. However, I decided to get a head start meeting my new travel friends, so I bailed on the show. The next morning, I asked one of the concert goers if the band played Golgi Apparatus. “Dude, you nailed it! They opened with Golgi Apparatus. We were pulling for you to make it to the show.” I was sorry to disappoint them. Maybe next time.

I was working right up until we took our vans to the ship. From earlier trips, I knew the importance of making connections on the Libido Deck so I hit the ground running. After a muster drill, some champagne, and too much food I knew I wasn’t in Kansas any more. The next night were the New Year’s festivities and we had a great time at a variety of events.

Pass the kutchie pon the lef’ hand side
Pass the kutchie pon the lef’ hand side
--FS & LF, 1982

After a full day at sea, we landed at Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I went to Ocho Rios many years ago, and since the statute of limitations had likely expired, I figured it was OK to return. We climbed the famous Dunn’s River Falls and I had a great time diving, and dancing on our catamaran transport.

The next day we landed at Georgetown, Grand Cayman and prepared to swim with the sting rays at Stingray City. The guide explained that the stingrays are domesticated and like to swim between people’s legs and suck food from us. I’m pretty choosy about things like this, but I had a fun time. Also, I’m not sure the sting rays really enjoyed it so much, but I don’t speak sting ray, so I can’t be sure. At an earlier dive, I found a creepy green eel.

Some of my new friends were not staying around for the second cruise, so after saying good bye to them, I switched rooms and prepared to make some new friends. Between cruises, we took a speedboat ride around some rich folks’ homes. Since it was a dreary day in Miami, we did not spend too much time ashore and we reboarded the ship promptly to enjoy the ship’s amenities. As we set sail, I was excited to see the green flash, a very rare occurrence.

For a long time now I have tried simply to write the best I can. Sometimes I have good luck and write better than I can.
--EMH, 1899-1961

Our first port on Cruise Two: The Sequel was Key West, the southernmost city in the Continental United States. There, we had one of the highlights of the trip: jet skiing. My Mint Milano friend, Cinquecento, selected me to be her driver. I figured I had driven her crazy on several other trips and she generously wanted to give me a chance to redeem myself. I’m not accustomed to having a woman on my back, but I thought, “When in Milan...”

We were the first ski leaving the no-wake zone, and as we were leaving, I turned to ask Cinquecento if it were OK if I did a “donut”. I wasn’t sure how well that translated into any of the languages that she knew, but she consented. I completed the tight circle just as the guide turned to investigate what was happening. “I didn’t see anything,” I offered. No harm, no foul.

As we hit the open ocean, I figured it was time to put the pedal to the metal and see how fast we could go. Buzzing over the ocean, I was very encouraged by Cinquecento excitedly and enthusiastically screaming, “Faster! Faster! Slower! Faster!” in my ears. The last time I had an Italian woman yell at me so much was when I threw spaghetti at the fridge in college.

Throughout the hour excursion, I continued painting donuts of a variety of radii and amazingly still managed to stay in first place. While circumnavigating the island and crossing from the Ocean to the Gulf and back, we saw dolphins, flying fish, and Kelly McGillis’ and other rich people’s homes. As a reward for my great performance and giving her a great ride, Cinquecento promised to take me to fashion week in Milan to get me a new Vera Wang.

We later learned that not only was this the coldest day of the guide’s 11 years of experience (and likely longer), but these tours were canceled for several days afterwards because of poor weather. We lucked out once again! Another win for Admiral Adam. After pulling a Salahi at the little White House and some other misadventures, I returned to the ship to prepare for another formal night.

The next day was another full day at sea. I managed to squeeze in some work and other activities before the Martini round.

Since I had traveled with the cruise line before, I was invited to a reception with the Captain. I enjoyed meeting my favorite breakfast chef, and more of the crew. Later, I met some students from Buffalo, and I shared some stories with them from when I spent a summer there.

The next day, we made a return visit to Grand Cayman. Since I was awake earlier than most of the team, I went ashore early to remotely manage my empire, and meet one local colorful character after another. Ultimately we made it to the beach for lunch. While others were sunbathing, I explored one of the finest beaches in the world.

Come on Jamaica
Everybody say
We’re all happy in Jamaica
Do Jamaica Jerk-off that way
--BT, 1973

Cruising continues to be a fun way to travel for me as I enjoy not carrying a wallet, not having to repack often, and other benefits. I repeatedly enjoyed the ship’s guest services and the crew was great also. As usual, the food was great on the ship. I enjoyed the creations I designed at the breakfast buffet, and the dinners in the formal dining room were tasty and presented well even when the portions were small.

I tend to eat more than normal on these trips so I work out a bit more to compensate. Sometimes, I worked out before the morning group deck walk. I caught up to Boatswain Bill one morning and told him I had just finished a double workout. “Prove it!” he served. “Ask the yoga women about my applause,” I returned. Game, set, and match: Admiral Adam.

As usual, the trip organizers and others awarded me accolades, approbations, and praise for my skills and talents with humor, discretion, attire, leadership, aim, dancing, singing, photography, drama, posture, sportsmanship, and thoughtfulness, so I must be doing something right.

Eager to receive my presents and presence, Mom and Dad picked me up at the pier and whisked me off to an art exhibit. While there, I saw a lot of great art and hailed a champagne woman.