Number 10: Too much TV coverage of the OJ Simpson trial
I recently searched the World Wide Web to locate any footprints I may have left on the Information Superhighway. I found a few spacecraft docking papers to which I could lay claim. That was not too surprising. I also found some other research papers concerning nitrous oxide and cocaine, however. I didn't remember writing them, but I figured that maybe I was a test subject in those studies and just forgot!
Number 9: Bad user interfaces
In early April, I helped organize a Passover seder for the community. The attendance was tremendous. Over 300 people arrived. I wasn't exactly sure why the number was more than twice the previous year's total. I figured that either people saw the notices I posted on the Internet, they heard about my top ten list of plagues, or they missed the gefilte fish exhibit at the aquarium. Once again, I convinced my table that the team that drank the most would win a special prize. I don't know if they believed me, but they humored me and made a valiant effort.
The weekend before Passover, Calvin and I delivered Passover baskets to those who were unable to hop out and build their own. I was particularly looking forward to spending time with people who indicated they wanted an extended visit. Unfortunately, one look at me was all that some of them needed to reconsider their request. Several people took the baskets and quickly closed the door.
Nevertheless, we did have some good experiences. One lady remarked that Calvin and I looked as if we were related. I replied, "We're sisters!" The lady was very proud of her discovery. Later, she cried and became speechless acknowledging our good deed. We had to talk amongst ourselves for a few minutes with the instructions "Bitter herbs are neither bitter, nor herbs . . . discuss." When the tears failed to diminish, we headed for the door and cut our losses.
Number 8: Not enough M*A*S*H reruns in California.
Two weeks later I went to Vancouver to attend a Computer-Human Interface conference. This was the event that sparked these chapters last year, so I was eager to attend and accumulate more material. I was also looking forward to catching up with my former Pacific Bell colleagues: Dr. E, Dr. K, and the Voice of Pac Bell.
I saved seats at the departure gate because I sensed that the Drs. K would be on my flight. Sure enough, eventually they appeared, skipping like Dorothy and friends on the yellow brick road. One of them gave me a nice big hug. Fortunately, it was the right one!
Despite the fact that we live only a few miles apart, we hadn't seen each other since I ran away from the phone company, leaving my skates and patch cords dangling. We had been trying to get together for wings, but have been too busy to rendezvous; we were not sure whether we would be able to score in Canada. We had chicken salad on the plane, but it just wasn't the same without the bones, hot sauce, and beer.
The flight up North was pretty uneventful, ay, but I ran into trouble with the immigration official at the airport. The conference instructions specifically said the only form of ID that I required was a driver's license, so I left my passport and birth certificate at home. Unfortunately, the immigration official did not read our instructions, and she kept demanding further proof of US citizenship. She said, "When you go to Canada, it is just like going to another country." I said, "Isn't it just like America Lite here? You have Niagara Falls; we have Niagara Falls. You had Paul Shaffer; now we have him. You make Molsons; we drink Molsons." I continued to drop the names of other famous Canadians to earn some diplomacy and patriotism points. "Let us not forget William Shatner, Leslie Nielsen, and Dick Assman." I also pointed out that the Unabomber had just been apprehended and that NAFTA was supposed to make it easier to get across the border, but all of these efforts were in vain.
I showed her a fistful of plastic with my name on it, but this did not impress her either. Finally, I did what I usually do in such situations, I pulled out my Mountain View library card and started crying. This worked and I headed to my hotel. I had the same trouble going through US Immigration on my way out of the country at the end of the week. Make up your mind. Where do you want me: in, or out?
Number 7: Not enough All in the Family reruns in California
While waiting for our rooms to get ready, the Drs. K and I registered for the conference and started to explore. We found a 3D IMAX movie called Wings that we planned to see in case we couldn't locate the real thing. We then made plans to get together in a few hours for dinner and headed to our respective rooms to check out the shower toys.
In search of dinner, we headed to Gastown to check out the Commissary chili. Over dinner, we had a great time talking about the good old day at Pac Bell; Dr. K the Elder filled me in on what has happened since I escaped. Since that didn't take long, he also updated me on Dr. L's newest shower songs, and the latest direct report regulations. Finally, he assured me that Ms. L is keeping score with the nonsense meter I created, and she is continuing to track the number of days since new development on my former project. I knew Ms. L would keep up the good work after I left. He also claims to win license plates almost every day, but he concedes that it is not nearly as challenging as when he was competing against my eagle eyes.
That evening was the elder Dr. K's first outside the US. I guess that is why the Immigration official did not give him any grief at the checkpoint, no prior warrants.
Number 6: Bad commercials
I had a good week in Canada. I swam every day while overlooking Vancouver Harbor and the mountains. I especially appreciated this since my pool at home was being repaired. I also used the Jacuzzi every day. I think they had a little trouble with the chlorine, though. The Jacuzzi bleached my suit almost transparent. That made for an interesting user interface! At night, I iced my shoulder so I wouldn't be operating at too big a disadvantage in a tennis tournament I had that weekend back in the States.
I also had a great hike around Stanley Park. It featured grand views of the harbor and the ocean. Beaver Pond reminded of Monet's waterlillies.
Number 5: Bad sitcoms
While at the conference I bumped into my former boss. She was so excited to see me that she asked me to write her a poem for Ms. L's appreciation lunch. My past contributions in that area comprised my best work under her employ. I got right to work because I promised Ms. L I would continue to entertain her after I left.
I also reunited with some former NASA buddies. It appeared that a large number of the conference attendees formerly worked either in the aerospace or telecommunications industries. I was proud to have both on my resume.
Number 4: Two words: Brussels sprouts
After much grief and frustration, I bought a new car. I became the proud parent of a brand new baby Mitsubishi Eclipse. The delivery was stressful, unnerving, and harrowing, but I expect to be recovering from morning sickness in the near future. I am now a two car family, but I plan to give the older one to charity to prevent sibling rivalry. (I learned this trick from my parents.)
The car is a little paler than forest green. It wasn't the color I wanted, but I am liking it more and more each day. The girls say it's sexy, but I think they just want a ride. I also like the smell of the CFC-free AC and I beat the EPA on my first tank of gasoline.
I am pleasantly surprised with the sound of the stereo. I wasn't able to play it loud enough to enjoy with the dealer riding shotgun, but once the car was mine, all bets were off. Particularly noteworthy is the quality of the FM reception. The Bay area provides a very hostile environment to FM reception with all of the hills nearby. The car has two FM antennas, something I've never seen before, and they do an exemplary job of climbing the mountains to reach the radio waves.
The finances are another story. The loan payments and my new 401(k) contributions will start at about the same time. I may have to cut back on going out for Chinese food to 5 times per week to compensate.
Number 3: Government Furloughs
Recently, I won a naming contest for my company's new newsletter. My entries included All the WiSE that's Fit to Print, Poor WiSE-Med's Almanac, and WiSE-Med Cow Disease. Ultimately, I won with Words to the WiSE. I expect my Pulitzer any day now.
Number 2: Unbalanced budgets
I just received my rejection letter from the Astronaut Office. The youngest person picked was older than me, so at least I'm not over the hill as far as they are concerned. I am sending a copy of the letter to Grandma as an early birthday present.
My aspirations of becoming an astronaut have always made Grandma nervous. I think it is because she watches a lot of Star Trek and fears I'll get into trouble with Klingons and Romulans. I keep reminding her that I worked on a cloaking device while I was at NASA and that the astronauts are safe. Unfortunately, she doesn't believe that any more than when I tell her that most of the sushi I eat is cooked.
Lest she think I'm getting soft or boring in my old age, though, I am planning to go to Israel and Jordan in a few weeks. This year marks Jerusalem's 3000th birthday. I attended the festivities for the Golden Gate Bridge's 50th, the Statue of Liberty's 100th, and MIT's 125th. I hate to miss a party. The rejection letter ought to cleanse her palate and soften her up just about in time for my safe return.
And the Number 1 modern day plague: No more Grateful Dead concerts
Recently, a bunch of us went to the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto to serve dinner. RMD built the place to serve as inexpensive temporary housing for families and their patient children to use while receiving treatment at the nearby Stanford Hospital. It was good to see that Billions and Billions served buys more than re-election campaigns for Mayor McCheese.
Many of the same people helped with the Jerusalem 3000 celebration in San Francisco. I was eager to participate in the costume contest. Since my Moses suit was still at the cleaners, I had to be a little more original. I decided to create an entry for the literature category that I was pretty sure would be unique to the festival. I donned my tie-dyed Scooby-Doo shirt and the pieces of peace necklace I made at the KFOG Sky Concert, and went as Scooby Jew. The Grateful Yid Rabbi hugged me and told me I done good! (Actually, that wasn't until after he said, "Arms for Israel," and I replied "Arms are for hugging.") Surprisingly, I think the prize went to someone in a Moses suit!
This completes 12 chapters in 12 months. Stay tuned for next month's retrospective chapter, The Year in Review.
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