Citizen Caine Mutiny on the Bounty

So many people have been asking me for another chapter that I felt obligated to oblige. I hope you enjoy the following. If you don't, remember what you paid for it.

Monday we watch Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, and we fool him. We no show up. Thursday was a double header. Nobody show up. Friday it rained all day. There was no ball game so we stayed home and we listened to it over the radio.
--BK and HR, 1933

I recently started my third new job in 12 months. One more and I get a T-shirt. It's a new land speed record, even for me. I realize that I've lapped people with jobs the way that others have lapped me with marriages. Like a Rolling Stone, I gather no moss.

This company called me right after I began my last job, but I was not ready to jump ship at that time. They told me that they had been trying to fill the position for a year and after passing over others, they finally found me. They grilled me with some of the most rigorous interviews that I had ever experienced and then they honored me with an offer.

I find the statistics in comparison with my previous job to be quite interesting. I have 20% more stock options, 25% more salary, 50% more vacation, a 75% shorter commute, and a 150% greater signing bonus. Also, after I was working for them for 6 weeks, the company's stock was up 30%, which indicates that the stock market, like local headhunters, keeps track of my whereabouts. My options for my previous employer's stock are still very much under water.

Not every comparison involves numbers. My current employer, unlike many of my previous employers, already had a team of user experience experts waiting for me. Since I was joining an existing group, I wouldn't have to keep reminding the company what it is that I do. I don't take anything for granted though. Every silver lining's got a touch of grey. All that glitters isn't gold.

Ten years ago, I quit a job because I was too young to be working that little. (I was very productive and prolific at NASA, but my subsequent job would not let me work as hard. The contrast was striking.) Now I fear that I may be too old to be working this much. I may have to begin taking double doses of Scooby-Doo vitamins just to survive! I am trying new techniques to learn how to nap better. Since the shuttle has not flown in several years and there is a big backlog of rookie astronauts, it will be a long time until I get my ride, so I need to keep busy somehow.

I bet you're a good swimmer.
--AO, 1964

A week prior to Thanksgiving, Mom called and told me to bring lots of money. I figured this could mean either one of two things. Mom found either a casino boat or a strip club featuring hot Asian chicks. "Close," Mom said. Remembering my destination, I probed, "hot Latin chicks?" She said I would have to wait until I arrived to learn if I was right. Mom was keeping her cards close to her chest.

Give her friend a hundred dollars, she came in second.
--SG, 1981

I went to Florida for Thanksgiving and I had a great time teaching my 6 month-old niece to call me Aunt Adam. The last time that I saw her, she was Negative Ion. Now she was ten times as old as then, so we had a lot to discuss.

Several times during my visit, I helped Mom shop for food. If you think about it, that could already be the end of a funny joke! One day, we went to a farmers' market to get the latest in produce. I was shocked to see ladies fighting over fruits and vegetables. I haven't seen girl-on-girl action like that since I used to enjoy watching ladies wrestle over sweaters in Filene's Basement. I had to run interference to get Mom and her tomatoes safely outside without getting squished. Mom made it clear that she appreciated my shopping assistance. Also, her dinner was superb. I got such a tryptophan buzz over Thanksgiving dinner that I felt as if I were at a Phish concert.

So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me and I say: 'Hey Lama, hey how about a little something, you know, for the effort?!' And he says: 'There'll be no money, but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that going for me, which is nice."
--BD-M, HR, DK, 1980

Goose happened to be in Florida for Thanksgiving also. That was a good thing. One should not stray too far from one's wingman. One night, we went out to dinner. After carefully considering the menu, we decided to share a handful of chicken breasts. Goose has a thing for white meat, but he had a hard time getting a second breast in his mouth. That's one of the reasons that he's still just a wingman. One breast was more than he could handle. Meanwhile, I enjoyed two. You're not dealing with a chimp here! Goose kept moaning that he needed someone to rub his tummy. Being my wingman has very few rewards, so I offered to assist him.

When the waitress returned, I asked her if she would rub Goose's tummy. She said, "OK, but it will cost you extra." Never one to miss a beat, Goose deadpans, "I've heard that before." Somehow, even without the tummy rub, Goose still had room for dessert. That's part of what makes him a good wingman.

After conquering dinner, and promising not to return to the restaurant, Goose and I left to meet RH Factor, another left coast visitor. RH has come a long way since beginning her apprenticeship at the Bridge School Benefit. She now finally "gets it" and promised to "be here all week" if we would "try the veal." I was disappointed that I missed a golden opportunity with RH's parents, particularly since Goose often reminds me it's good to try out new material on the road. Perhaps I was still delirious from the pair of breasts I enjoyed earlier in the evening.

Look at that, she just stole that tie. It's a perfect crime, girls don't wear ties.
--SG, 1981

On a related note, EB discovered that the Boca Raton Hooters was located on Butts Street. I immediately awarded the Boca Chamber of Commerce an A for usability. There's more that I can write here, but I'm trying to keep my PG rating.

Now that's what I call Marine Biology!
--RD, GF, DS, SK, WP, PT, HR, RE, 1986

After returning home, I was trying to sleep to recover from jet lag when the phone awakened me. I didn't recognize the woman's voice, so I did what I usually do in those situations: I pretended that I did. Through the fog of sleep, I heard her invite me over two nights hence promising my visit would take only 90 minutes. I started to tell her that I do not like to be rushed when she interrupted me to tell me that she would compensate me for my time with a trip to Vegas. "Oh, barter system," I thought. Ultimately, I blocked out most of the details of my visit, but at least I scored a trip to Vegas and some other treats. The remaining details are best left for my own amusement.

Rosebud.

Obrigato for playing.

© Adam Brody. All rights reserved.

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