Abraham saddled his ass.
--Genesis 22:3
Shortly after celebrating our nation's freedom in Boston, I sacrificed my own freedom by starting a new job. I was offered this job after the shortest interview I had ever experienced. They were so eager for me to begin improving their user experiences and interfaces that they brought me on as a contractor instead of as an employee as this was a quicker route. I don't typically work as a contractor because I work quickly; if I am paid by the hour, then I won't get paid as much for the same work. Nevertheless, I was excited about the opportunity and I was eager to start my job as the company featured a large usability team with a finely tuned division of labor. I anticipated learning a lot in this position.
Upon arrival, I scored a desk conveniently located near both the escape exit and a large conference room that periodically features leftover food. Other sources of food include bagels on Wednesdays as well as a great cafeteria that prides itself on providing healthy, environmentally-conscious food. The cafeteria is not even the only healthy eating option. Every building features a nursing room.
You dudes stay here with the ass; I'm taking the boy for a walk.
--Genesis 22:5 (Modern translation by AB, 2004)
As usually happens when I begin to work for a company, the company's stock rises dramatically. This company's stock was no exception. It rocketed up 35% in six months. Similarly, the stock typically drops after I leave. Lest readers think that mass quantities of lycopene and lutein have sucked humility in addition to free radicals out of my body, rest assured that I realize that the causality is not as presented. Rather, companies hire me (and others in my profession) when they are doing well and feel that they can afford me. On the other side of the curve, usability professionals find themselves outside early when the wagons are circled. So the stock price follows my employment only because my employment similarly follows the company's (projected) success.
Further supporting my conclusions are the facts that my recent employers have had consistent quarterly losses since I left, and their stocks have not recovered from my departures. Now that I left this company, prepare for a precipitous stock drop. The analysts seem to agree with me. The last three analyst changes for this company are downgrades as compared with the two upgrades right after I joined. My employment transitions may have a greater correlation to the stock market than other predictors like the league that wins the Super Bowl, or the party that wins the Presidency.
If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And when I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?
--Hillel circa 25 BCE
Management at this company liked my work so much that they doubled the length of my contract. Indeed, I have never been so widely complimented as I was at this job. Product managers told me that they preferred to work with me than with other UI designers. Colleagues repeatedly told me that they were thrilled with how quickly I delivered work to them. In one instance, my boss praised me for what I delivered on one project especially considering that I had had only a week and one-half to work on it. Recognizing that I had spent only five hours on the project over that 60-hour period, I was really surprised at his accolade. I know that I'm efficient, and work quickly, but I could not imagine that I am a factor of 12 better than even the worst performer.
On another occasion, someone described some work that he would like me to do for him. After the discussion, I estimated that it would take me about an hour to do the work. Since I had already done my hour's work that day, and it was already mid afternoon, I asked him by when he would need the results, hoping that the next day would be sufficient. He told me that any time over the next few weeks would be sufficient. I amused myself with the thought that I would easily be able to squeeze an hour's worth of work into the next few weeks! This company provided me with the highest ratios of accolades and money per unit of work than any other place that I've ever been.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
--JHM
While at work, I kept remembering that my college prepared me to drink from a fire hose. Extending the metaphor to my job, I imagined that I had been chugging from a teaspoon and finishing the supply before my thirst was quenched. Being a conscientious worker, I tried on a number of occasions to get a larger amount of work and work of more significance. These efforts were largely in vain, however, as they've been at other places. Since I am not a vain person, I figured that I should save my windmill exploits for miniature golf and leave the more Quixotic pursuits for Cervantes.
In apparent contradiction of the above, at one point I noticed that management assigned me to more high priority projects than my colleagues. When I asked why I had twice as many of these projects than the next highest person, I was told that it was an endorsement of my talents. The manager continued by saying that they would not trust the young designers who are right out school with the important projects that they were assigning to me instead. I guess they hire inexperienced people for the permanent positions and bring me on as a contractor to conquer the high-priority projects for which the youngins lack sufficient experience.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
--JHM
I enjoyed meeting many of the people at work. I noticed that not only were most of my colleagues young, but almost all of the large number of women were either Asian or Indian. I guess they didn't read the memo allegedly sent to women telling them to avoid high-paying technology jobs. I feel privileged and grateful to know so many women, who, like myself, defy gender stereotypes.
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
--SS, 1956-7
When I asked why so many people had recently quit, management told me that the company pays poorly, and with the stock at a low, people were not being compensated for a low salary as well as they were previously. Talented people were leaving for better paying jobs elsewhere. Presumably, I was enlisted to pick up the pieces since there was now work that was beyond the capabilities of the remaining junior employees. Indeed, all of the senior designers listed on the organization chart that they gave to me when I started had left by the time I was there for only a brief period of time.
This sounds logical and cogent. However, most of the work that management assigned to me could have been done by a talented high school student. Since it has been many years since I was a talented high school student, the job did not feel like the best fit for my current interests and skills. By analogy, I was painting by number rather than creating original works. Neither the challenge nor the quantity were sufficient.
I finished my work so quickly that much of the time I had no work to do. That left me ample time to research the many topics of interest to me and to otherwise manage my empire. The frequent periods of work-free time also gave me plenty of opportunities to pursue a gig that would allow me to work harder.
You make me feel like a natural woman
--GC, CK & JW, 1971
Ever since I began working for this company, my phone was ringing off the hook with other opportunities. This either means that the job market is hungry for my talents, or the headhunters are telling the truth when they say how much they enjoy my answering machine message. For either case, I was grateful and appreciative. Maybe it is just the case that good things follow happy people.
Since I completed my work so quickly, I had a lot of time free for interviews. On a related note, since so many people were impressed with the quality of my work and the speed with which I delivered it, I was able to reload my supply of professional references. That was a major benefit. I have had so many jobs over the years that my references are exhausted and tired of making up great things to say about me. Between the new supply of professional references willing to say good things about me, and a large new portfolio of quality work, I was well-equipped to pursue other opportunities.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
--MK
Going back a few months, my annual birthday fundraiser was another winner. It featured the usual wide diversity of guests with ages ranging from sub-zero to over 80. My party was extra special this year as my parents made a guest appearance. They enjoyed meeting my friends, and vice versa.
We set another record in the fundraising department too. This was largely thanks to the matching gifts efforts of my generous charity cartel. On behalf of all of the beneficiary recipients, I thank you all. Since I own clothes I've never worn, CDs I've never played, and food I've never eaten, I'm grateful that those who are more needy are benefiting from my friends' largess.
I was at an Alice Cooper thing where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.
--ASK & MB 1977
I enjoyed seeing the Rolling Stones in concert recently. Since I had seen them several times previously, I was not eager either to spend a bundle on good seats or to sit in seats very far from the stage. Consequently, I went by SBC Park shortly before show time to check out the scalper situation and watch capitalism in action. I've lost money on concert tickets before when people bailed at the last minute; I was hoping to make back some of that money.
I knew that once the show started, all of the scalper's products would be worthless. So I waited. Ultimately, I offered a guy $50 for a $65 ticket and ended up sitting in a $200 seat. I figured that this was preferable to spending several thousand dollars on a ticket whose face value was $450. I also figure that this makes up for my near miss in the Netherlands a few years ago and is one of the benefits to giving up shellfish.
A lot of people make fun of the Stones because they are older than most rockers, but they are out there getting it done and they put on a great show. Sir Mick is in better shape than most people I know; Keith deftly balances the act at the other end of the spectrum! The Stones travel with a massive set that requires corporate sponsorship to maintain and transport. It is well worth it as it provides a tremendous display of sound and light. In fact, the show is such a spectacle that it is like Vegas without the gay tigers.
After that it got pretty late. And we both hadda go, but it was great seeing Annie again, right? I realized what a terrific person she was and-and how much fun it was just knowing her and I-I thought of that old joke, you know, this-this-this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how how I feet about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and ... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
--ASK & MB 1977
Both of my tennis teams recently made the League Playoffs, as is customary. I like to say that my teams tend to make the Playoffs despite my contributions, but my teammates are more appreciative of my abilities. They compliment my smooth strokes, my serve, my follow through, my gentle touch, and my tender heart. Nevertheless, I figure that I'm like the Ringo of my tennis teams. I may not be the best performer, but my teammates keep me around for my comedy and A Hard Day's Night's-worth of clever malapropisms. I'm already crafting new material for next season. Watch your lines! And mine!
Shukriya for playing.
© Adam Brody (the Bay Area's most successful job finder). All rights reserved.
Thank you Miss Rosa, you are the spark,
You started our freedom movement
Thank you Sister Rosa Parks.
--DJ, CM, CN, CN Jr., JN, 1989
In honor of the 50th anniversary of Rosa Park's refusal to sacrifice her bus seat in Montgomery, please consider a donation to the Rosa L Parks Scholarship Foundation.
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