Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right.
--RH, 1974
In February, I went to Kauai, where I experienced highs and lows like flying in a helicopter and scuba diving.
In April, I saw Bruce Springsteen for the second time in six months and I was impressed with how he connected with the people around me who were following him on tour
In May, I went to NY. I have been helping Paul and his family celebrate simchas for over 30 years and I don’t like to miss a party. From NY, I went to Puerto Rico, where I had a great time visiting with Z-Man and his parents. His folks took me scuba diving, and to other water adventures. Later in my visit, we wondered why we had to wear helmets at Camuy Caverns when we were not allowed to enter the caves and why the Puertorriqueños vote in the Primary but not the general election. Must be the rum.
In August, I had a great time at the Jerry Day concert listening to music and I’m glad my birthday fundraiser did not conflict with it as it had in the past. My party the following weekend was a lot of fun particularly since many of my favorite people were able to attend.
The next weekend, I saw a Beatles cover band, which sounds a lot like the Beatles even though some members of the band don’t look like their counterparts. Afterwards, I got on the bus and saw the Summer of Love Revue. Like the 40th anniversary concert the previous summer in Golden Gate Park, I witnessed the sights, sounds, and smells of 1968 with only a few anachronisms.
Later in the month, I enjoyed helping with a casino fundraiser event.
The following week, I returned to NY for a brief cruise to eastern Canada to explore the world’s largest tides. Kind of hard to appreciate something with a 6-hour time constant when you’ve got only two hours, but we had an amazing time including a wild boat ride. Back on ship, out of 130 people, I was the only one wearing a tuxedo on formal night, but sometimes it pays to dress.
After the cruise, I was elated to see MFGN in NY. We get along really well because we have the same two favorite things. I’ve been giving her comedy lessons and the word on the street is that she loves her Funny Uncle Adam.
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
--SP, 1992
Before I returned home, I saw Barenaked Ladies, who weren’t, and another interesting sign for my collection.
At the end of September I enjoyed a Chihuly exhibit. As with penguins, it’s very difficult to take a bad picture of his glass works.
His eyes are the eyes that
Transmit all they know.
Sparkle warm crystalline glances to show
That he is your leader
And he is your guide
On the amazing journey together you’ll ride.
--PT, 1969
When I was a kid, my parents took us out for Chinese food quite often to dose us on MSG before big tests. In recent years, my folks have been reporting that they cannot find any of the Chinese restaurants to which they used to take us. Consequently, I decided to visit China to investigate what I imagined might be a supply-side problem. Also, while I was away, Mom would be getting a new ankle so I figured that eating Chinese food for two weeks was the least that I could do to support her.
As usual, I conducted quite a bit of research prior to my trip to learn about the history, art, culture, and politics of the places I’d be visiting. I watched The Last Emperor and Farewell My Concubine, so I knew how to say hello to the former and goodbye to the latter. I also asked my work colleagues for vocabulary and pronunciation assistance. These efforts paid off as the guides and others appreciated my forays with their languages. (I said xie xie and m goi to locals in China and Hong Kong respectively. I said tusen takk to some Finns knowing that I was speaking Norwegian, but figuring they would understand anyway. I offered spasibo to some Mongolians, grazie to an Italian amica, shukryiya and danyavad to an Indian waiter, and thank you to some Australian tourists.) I imagine that they were being generous, though, and that my pronunciation was no better than the grammar I noticed on some of their signs.
Since I would be away for Election Day, I submitted several absentee ballots to compensate for the expected voter fraud. Also in preparation, I brought lots of warm clothes, food, and Cipro. People insisted that I bring these as I’ll be cold, might not like the local food, and might receive an anthrax-laden blanket from an American Indian. I did not really need to eat any of the food that I brought with me, had plenty of extra clothes, and fortunately, I did not need to run for the Cipro; I was overprepared and overburdened as usual. I did, however, spend all of my money, so I feel as if I deserve partial credit.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
--JHM, 1890-1977
The weeks leading up to my China trip were exceptionally busy. I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, a place I have not visited in years. They’ve long been regarded for their great displays and I noted that they earned a spot on the top ten list of attractions in this country. I especially liked the new back stage tour that they held and the fact that they continue to update their lists of the best fish to eat from environmental and health perspectives.
I spent the following weekend helping Special K celebrate her birthday in Napa, where I won two awards. The first was because I was the only person who asked a question that was not already answered by the instructions for the weekend. The second was for appropriate use of comedy where necessary to spread good cheer.
My work is done now look at him
He’s never been more alive.
His head it shakes, his fingers clutch.
Watch his body writhe
I’m the Gypsy - the acid queen.
Pay before we start.
I’m the Gypsy - I’m guaranteed.
To break your little heart.
--PT, 1969
Right before my China trip, I saw a bunch of concerts. First, I saw Tina Turner. To make a long story short, I gave a scalper $30 for a $65 ticket and sat in a $200 seat. It was an excellent show and I hope that I look as good as she does when I’m a 69-year-old black woman. The following night I accomplished pretty much the same thing when I biked over to the Jimmy Buffett concert. I rounded out the rest of the week with exhibits on Leonardo da Vinci, and Frida Kahlo. Over the weekend, I enjoyed Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit again. I’ve attended over two dozen of them since they began over 20 years ago and they are always a highlight of the concert season. We were all saddened to learn of the passing of “Chief Wiggum,” however.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
With much restless energy and eagerness to begin my trip, I headed up to SFO early. Since I was unexpectedly allowed to check my bags all the way through to PKG, and I was at the airport with plenty of time to spare, I had a celebratory pi jiu to prepare for my flight.
I started my trip by flying to LAX to join the rest of the team. On the plane, I had a conversation in French with a French guy next to me. Usually when I speak in French to someone, they recognize that it is not my first language and they respond in English to make it easier for me to understand them. In this case, between the aircraft noise and his accent, I had an easier time understanding him when he spoke French than when he spoke English! Regardless, it is good to know that my oral skills still serve me well.
After I arrived at LAX I served as an English sheep dog rounding up people I suspected were on the trip. When the organizer arrived, I presented the roster to her.
On the flight from LAX to HKG, we lost an hour due to falling back to Standard Time, and we lost a day due to crossing the International Date Line. I hoped to make it back in volume. On the flight from HKG to PKG, I got some pronunciation assistance from the Chinese businessman seated next to me. I think he was repaying me for praising his Omega-3 supplement consumption.
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap.
--TJ, 1743-1826
After traveling for many, many hours, we finally made it to our Beijing hotel. Right on cue, a woman wondered, “what do they call Chinese food here?” I answered, “they just call it ‘food,’ otherwise it would be redundant.” I was glad we were off to a good start.
While waiting for others to arrive and get settled, a few of us walked down the street to go shopping. In all of my travels, I’ve never seen such aggressive hawkers; people were all over us at every step. Fortunately, from the very first day, I developed appropriate evasive maneuvers when the “Hello! Hello!” girls approached. I would usually recite some permutation of the following:
Not my size.
Not my color.
Talk to the girls.
I don’t speak Spanish.
Thanks, I just ate.
I don’t make good shopping.
I’m not exactly sure why, but this technique seemed to work so I continued with it. Throughout the trip, I did my best to run interference, carry bags, and otherwise help the women with their expeditions as we visited the pearl, jade, silk, and other factories. I kept wondering when we would visit the concubine factory so I could learn how concubines are made and add to the knowledge I gained in Amsterdam and Prague, but no such luck.
I realized that some people were drawn to visit China by the shopping opportunities. Indeed, almost every time I turned around, some of the women on the trip were doing serious damage shopping. Some of the other guys and I wondered what we were missing by not participating as heavily. However, I kept remembering Jefferson’s admonition to not buy something solely because it was cheap. Of course, he died broke after spending all his money on French wine, so warnings go only so far. On some of their expeditions, the women took me to back alleys and other scary places but I trusted them to protect me. For my part, I was proud that I consistently beat the calculators in the currency conversions.
Part of the shopping appeal involved buying knock-offs of famous branded products. I found the idea of Chinese knock-offs to be kind of an existential issue since so many of our legitimate products are made in China anyway. The knock-offs are likely made by the same people in the same factory. To me, it is similar to hearing Stephen Hawking’s voice on The Simpson’s. What does it mean to say it is his voice? It is a computer’s voice. It’s not as if he’s writing the script.
In order to build a great socialist society, it is of the utmost importance to arouse the broad masses of women to join in productive activity. Men and women must receive equal pay for equal work in production. Genuine equality between the sexes can only be realized in the process of the socialist transformation of society as a whole.
MT-T, 1955
The NY team arrived just in time to go to bed and we all gathered the following morning before heading out to Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven, and we had our first view of a star-rated toilet.
Since some of the toilets in China had a higher degree of difficulty than those at home, some of them were rated for our convenience. As a boy, I’m very talented when it comes to distance and penmanship so I didn’t need as much assistance as the women did. Nevertheless, many of them—the toilets, not the women—sported instructions that were more helpful, thoughtful, and usable than one I recently saw in Canada and some were funnier than one I saw at AMS. Also, the portable facility I enjoyed at the Olympic village was the most high tech of such devices that I have ever seen. On a related note, throughout the trip, I was very impressed with how concerned the Chinese were about the environment and I was particularly impressed with the free range kids they used to fertilize the gardens.
That evening, after Beijing Duck at Mr. Duck’s, we all went for foot massages. This is a very common thing as there are many places in Beijing that offer them. I’ve had massages before, but I never knew my thighs and shins could make such sounds. Some of us were so entertained that we returned the following night for more “relaxation.”
Manifest plainness,
Embrace simplicity,
Reduce selfishness,
Have few desires.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
The next day, we toured the Olympic village and saw all the buildings I would have seen had I watched the Olympics on TV. Near the end of the trip I discovered two Olympic torches. One was by the terra cotta warriors in Xi’an. The other was near some clubs in Shanghai.
After several days of warmup exercises, we finally visited the Great Wall, famed in song and story. With tour buses driving right up to it, and resident hotel and shopping opportunities, it felt more touristy than I had imagined. I did not see a single sign describing its history and importance, although I did see some other signs that were funny, and intriguing. Fortunately, I get something rewarding out of every experience: I found a cannon that reminded me of another I found in Buenos Aires earlier in the year. Alas, I was able to convince only a few people that not only is it not the only man-made object visible from space, it is not visible from the moon with the naked eye, despite the rumor.
He who knows does not speak.
He who speaks does not know.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
Speaking of astronomy, one of our guides kept mentioning a meteorology museum near our hotel so I visited it when others were shopping or watching pandas sneeze. It turned out that the Beijing Ancient Observatory is not a meteorology museum, but an astronomy museum. In Junior High, I gave a presentation in which I proclaimed that meteorology was NOT the study of meteors. I guess our guide didn’t get the memo. Returning from dinner in Xi’an, I noted that astronomy is still of interest in China.
On my walk back to the hotel from the Observatory, a local woman ambushed me on the street. I got the impression she wanted to practice her English and I’ve long been generous with my time when women want to practice on me. She also wanted to introduce me to her calligraphy professor but I feared awaking in a bathtub filled with ice down a kidney so I politely declined. I eagerly returned to the safety and comfort of my handlers.
The next day featured one of the best parts of the trip: rickshaw races in the Hutong. We had an armada of over 25 rickshaws buzzing through the streets and Lance did a great job getting us swiftly and safely to our various destinations. One of my favorite stops was a day school, where I had a great time playing with local kids as I had in Buenos Aires and elsewhere. Another great stop was visiting Hutong Man, not to be confused with Peking Man. I always enjoy meeting locals in their natural habitats as it is too easy to get so lost in hotels, restaurants, and tourist attractions that one forgets that real people live here.
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
From Beijing, we flew to Xi’an, where we toured the Big Wild Goose Pagoda. By this point, I had eaten so much, and exercised so little, that I started to turn into a Happy Buddha. One of the coolest things here was a cat that Tweety trapped in a cage.
We then went to visit the Terra Cotta warriors, where locals enjoyed taking pictures of statues imitating me. Apparently, that was not enough. Upon our egress, several locals wanted their picture taken with me. I had the same experience at lunch the following day.
To have little is to possess.
To have plenty is to be perplexed.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
The next day, we flew to Shanghai, where we visited the designated area for stateless refugees. Shanghai accepted around 30,000 Jews fleeing the Holocaust and many of them lived in the Tilanqiao area. The homes are not the most appealing, with many people sharing one kitchen and one toilet. However, they are still inhabitated and reminiscent of the experience many of ancestors had in the lower east side of Manhattan.
Since some people were ending their visit in Shanghai, we had our awards assembly on our last night there. Noting how much I liked checking out the local clothes as in the past, at the end of the trip, the leaders gave me the chameleon award. I thought this was appropriate for someone who conforms to others both personally and professionally. This nicely bookended the honor they bestowed upon me at the beginning of the trip. I imagine they anticipated entertainment value; I trust that they were not disappointed.
Giant steps are what you take,
Walking on the moon.
--GS, 1979
For our last stop, we flew to Hong Kong, which has no relation to King Kong. On the ride from the airport to our Hong Kong hotel I happened to notice a space museum. This turned out to be a big win when I visited several days later. They had a bunch of great exhibits describing Chinese contributions to astronomy and rocketry and I was impressed that they featured a picture of a NASA spacesuit colleague of mine in the Neutral Buoyancy Test Facility for which I was a safety diver. They also had a great device for simulating walking on the moon. I’ve enjoyed this in the past at the NASA/Marshall Space Flight Center, but I had more time on this one and the environment was dressed up more.
People walk in sideways pretending that they’re leaving,
We put on our makeup and work out all the lead-ins,
Jack is in the alley selling tickets made in Hong Kong,
Promoter’s in the pay box wondering where the band’s gone,
Back in the pub the governor stops the clock,
Rock is dead, they say,
Long live rock.
--PT, 1973
On the streets of Hong Kong, we noticed that they put up Christmas ornaments early because they don’t have to wait for a non-existent Thanksgiving milestone. Along the waterfront, we saw Bruce Lee’s statue and Li Tit’s star. Elsewhere in Hong Kong, I managed to avoid hairy crabs on Victoria Peak despite several opportunities and I enjoyed our sampan ride later that day.
Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
In summary, visiting all of the sites was wonderful and I enjoyed the scenery on the bus rides as well. All of our guides were great and they were very patient and informative when I asked them questions. SammyDavis kept telling us about concubines and how the emperors died with smiles on their faces. Intrigued, I asked him if the emperors ate a lot of ginseng to keep lead in the pencil and he said that was true. Years ago, my Chinese tennis partner told me that he was eating ginseng to keep lead in the pencil. I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but I remembered thinking, “what kind of an idiot would want a pencil devoid of lead.” (Yes, I know it’s really graphite.) I think I finally understand.
Another guide, MotionInTheOcean,was a lot of fun also. On one occasion, he kept coming up short when counting us to ensure that we were all present. I suggested that he count in English instead as we don’t speak Chinese. He switched, and it worked. We were all present.
To know that you do not know is the best.
To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
I was glad I told DD about the trip as I hadn’t seen much of her since our March of the Living trip 3 years ago. We had a great time reconnecting and making attempt after attempt to recreate our Five Boobs picture from the Dead Sea. Being big fans of history, we sometimes settled for the 3/5’s compromise and re-enacted another historical event. It was a lot of fun, but I think I may have worn her out.
It was great reuniting with other friends too on the other side of the world especially since I don’t get to see them at home. Coincidentally, I also saw people from a previous trip to Buenos Aires. We compared notes and memories even though we may not have met then.
He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.
--L-t, 604 BCE-531 BCE
Before the trip, some people were concerned about the food. I did not have any problems. However, while I love Chinese food I didn’t find many of our meals to be that interesting for one reason or another. We had hot pot a few times but it creeps me out a bit at home as I’m wary about eating with utensils that have touched raw meat. Nevertheless, I was prepared to eat lots of it as it was plentiful. The hotel breakfasts were tremendous and featured many familiar and unfamiliar items. At one breakfast, I visited something like an omelet station except with broth, instead of eggs, as the base. An Indian patron learned that the broth was made with pork and politely declined. I looked at him, then back to the chef, then back to the Indian guy and said, “yeah, my Lord won’t let me eat it either.” Ironically, two of the best meals were Thai and Indian in Hong Kong.
On the other hand, the hotels were excellent. Two of them had magic mirrors in the bathroom that resisted fogging. This compensated for the fact that they lacked bidets.
Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing! Fine, then.
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it’ll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself.
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
--MS, 1987
The trip home took forever. I had never flown so much, or gone through Customs so many times, in two weeks. My schedule was so out of whack after I returned home that I did not eat for 25 hours. I did, however, work out quite a bit for the first two days and I figure both behaviors were compensatory for my trip.
Now I’m back to my home life consisting of run of the mill parties, museums, tennis and making friends. As I told Customs when they asked what I had to declare, “I had an excellent time and I’m looking forward to my next adventure.” Who’s in?
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
--JHM, 1890-1977
Congratulations on making it to the end. As your reward, you will learn that “Chicken luggage” is how we heard the guides saying “Check-in luggage.” I’m not that critcal as I’m sure my Mandarin pronunciation was much worse than their English pronunciation.
谢谢 for playing.
©Adam Brody All rights reserved.
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